Last batch of contest winners

Sorry I've been so erratic in posting lately. I'm having a bad patch with my tick-ness. But that's no reason to deprive you of the last batch of contest winners (first runners-up, then prize winner). We've got an eclectic mix today and since I feel like crap, I'm going to skip the happy chat and get right to it.*

Bereavement

Outside: In greatest sympathy
Inside: Death sucks.
(H.T.)

Workplace

Outside (drawing of perfect suburban home, station wagon, 2.5 kids and family dog) : We would like to wish you a happy birthday.
Inside: But quite frankly, we are fed up with your behavior thinking you can mistreat us because of what happened in your household growing up. If you don't cut it out, we will take legal action.
(Coco Schiaparelli Von Furstenburg)

Post-it Notes
"From the desk of: Asshole"

Pink Message Pads
While you were out:
You should have stayed out!

(both courtesy of some truly Irish person -- brilliant tie-in!)

Illness

(outside) Sorry to hear you're still in the hospital...
(inside) We were really hoping it was terminal.
(Rabbitch)

New Baby

(outside) We are happy to announce our commitment
(inside) To living in sin with the birth of a bastard.
(C.K.)

Outside: A new baby!
Inside: Just what the world needs! Another psychopath in the making.
(that same truly Irish person)

Wedding/Anniversary

Outside: On your wedding day
Inside: We celebrate the holy union of two souls, half a brain and the same blood-lines. Please don't procreate.
(Just a Knit Wit)

Miscellaneous

For the special graduate:
Outside: Congratulations on your amazing achievement!
Inside: Especially amazing considering the amount of drugs and alcohol you consumed when you were supposed to be studying.
(J.O.)

For that milestone birthday:
Outside: Happy 40th Birthday!
Inside: Today we celebrate that your life is half-over. Wow, haven't accomplished much, have you?

For the newly-minted Ph.D:
Outside: Congrats on your Ph.D.!
Inside: That'll look great on your McDonald's paystubs.
(both courtesy of Just a Knit Wit)

For the mom of your kid's schoolmates:
Outside: Great job on the bake sale!
Inside: While you were out, I slept with your husband.
(N.)

And today's prize -- a skein of BBF superwash sock yarn -- goes to W. for the aptly-named "For My Adult Brother on the Occasion of His Birthday":

Oh Brother dear, to you I must say,

You are a pain in the rear ‘most every day.

You were nasty and evil when we were young,

But as mom’s little angel, your praises she sung.

This only grew worse and became quite a bore,

As I got saddled with family chores.

Take Mom to the doctor, wash Grandma’s hair,

While you fucked around – so very unfair.

But Brother dear, I hold no big grudge,

Although I’m stuck being the family drudge.

For I am executor of the parents’ estate,

And I’ve got an idea I think is just great.

When the parents expire and I take control,

I’ll diddle the numbers in my executrix role.

And with a smile that is bright and sunny,

I will cheat you out of your half of the money.

Happy birthday!

Thanks, everyone!


*I'm too dull-witted to figure out how to show you the only multimedia entry I got; maybe Joe can help me later.