Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Readers: Forward As Appropriate

A Last-Ditch Plea To Anyone Who Loves a Knitter

Dear Sir or Madam:

The holidays are right around the corner -- well, actually, staring you right in the face -- saying "What have you bought for the knitter that you love this holiday season? Hmm?"

I know that you think -- nay, you know with complete and utter certainty -- that your knitter has all the yarn any human being could ever knit in a lifetime. As well as every accoutrement, book and size needles known to the knitting universe. You already find yarn laying around everywhere, squeezed into all kinds of strange places, surely there isn't room for a single bloody skein more.

You may well be right.

But it's the season of giving, the time to think about what will make others happy, the penultimate gift-giving occasion of the year. You know, Ernie selling his rubber duckie to give Bert a cigar box for his paper clip collection and Bert selling his paper clip collection to give Ernie a new soap dish for his rubber duckie to sit on, and all that crap.

Bestir yourself, swallow your bafflement at this fiber obsession, and get thee to a yarn shop. Just a small gift certificate, a skein or two of lovely yarn (your nice yarn shop employees can guide you -- a skein of Koigu or Colinette is all it takes to spread joy to a knitter's heart), a pair of Lantern Moon rosewood needles, a tape measure shaped like a sheep -- give that knitter something to show that you understand how very much (s)he loves knitting. You could even go on-line and send an e-gift certificate, if you wish; or check your knitter's wish list for knitting-related titles.

Your knitter will love you (even more) for it. You will feel good knowing that you've tapped into the unselfish, thinking of others spirit that the holiday season embodies. Indeed, you may find yourself unwrapping that special fishing lure or new Cuisinart or Home Depot gift certificate or I-Pod Nano upon your next birthday.

And if you play your cards right, you might even end up with a handknit sweater out of the deal.

Or, eh, maybe not.


maxine said...


Ann said...

Do you think it would be totally tacky to just sort of print this out make 50 or so copies and leave them randomly about my home, my office, the post office, post online or have dropped from a small plane?

...tis the season.



Unknown said...

So is this a heavy-handed hint for Tommy Boy to get with the gift program?

Anonymous said...

the guy in the sweater photo looks like harold from 'the red green show'!
i'm betting your post is copied and placed about, from coast to coast...

Carol said...

Fear not, Mar, Tommie Boy knows to get his ass to Rosie's for some schwag...

Anonymous said...

Well...I wasn't going to admit it but, yeah I'd wear the sweater. Hell, I think I HAD that sweater. It looks kinda 70's to me.
My wavy-gravy word verification this time is ifartrl. I kid you not.

Carol said...

Don't worry, Lisa, we all knew you were a Tacky Loser so there's no outing involved. If you re-e-eally want to make the sweater, I can send you the vintage pattern... but only if you make a matching one for Norah.