Saturday, July 07, 2007

More winning contest entries

Let's turn now to parents, in particular, the dysfunctional kind. I think I did it backward last time, so today we'll put the prizeless Runners-Up first:

Outside: To my Parents
Inside: If it weren't for you, I'd be an orphan.

Outside: To my parents: Thanks for the memories...
Inside: The ones I am desperately trying to repress.

Outside: [picture of fairy tale princess] Dear Stepmother, you taught me that fairy tales really can come true!
Inside: I've got my happy ending, and you're a lonely bitch.

Outside: [picture of mom warmly hugging children] Every child needs a mom who loves and cares for them.
Inside: But since you can't find it in your cold evil heart to do either, you shall die all alone and forgotten in some unregulated nursing home, but even that might be too good for you.

Outside: Happy Mother's Day!
Inside: Hmm, I guess that whole "step on a crack" thing doesn't really work.

Outside: Happy Father's Day to the man who gave me life...
Inside: ... a nifty scar above my eye, low self-esteem and twenty years of therapy bills. Yours were truly the gifts that kept on giving! P.S. Dr. Rosenberg says "Thanks for the Mercedes."

Outside: On Mother's Day. Remember when you said you should have squeezed your legs shut?
Inside: Thanks for spreading 'em, Ma.

Prize winner in the Dysfunctional Parent division goes to Big Alice, for this sentiment (which I heartily endorse):

Outside: For my dear Mother-in-Law: A toast on your birthday!
Inside: Because really we both get along much better when we're drunk.

Email me, Big Alice, and I'll give you your choice of prizes.

One more batch tomorrow, including siblings and new babies...


Anonymous said...

I just finished reading "Sharon Osbourne extreme : my autobiography." She would love the one about the cold-hearted bitch mother ending up in an unregulated nursing home (which hers didn't, to daughter's everlasting regret) and the Father's Day one (her father had a number of Mafia contacts and didn't hesitate to use them).

Thankfully my own parents and in-laws, although flawed as all humans are, were not bad enough to warrants any of these. I just got lucky.

Devorah said...

I had to keep from laughing out loud -- as my mother is sitting just 3 feet away!

Carol said...

I said it last time, I really hope you're serious about this business venture.

mindy said...

great ones!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for choosing two of mine as runners-up!! Who says a dysfunctional childhood isn't good for you?

Anonymous said...

I know I am late but a woman divorced twice told me this one


INSIDE: The time between you coming and him leaving.