Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Last batch of contest winners

Sorry I've been so erratic in posting lately. I'm having a bad patch with my tick-ness. But that's no reason to deprive you of the last batch of contest winners (first runners-up, then prize winner). We've got an eclectic mix today and since I feel like crap, I'm going to skip the happy chat and get right to it.*


Outside: In greatest sympathy
Inside: Death sucks.


Outside (drawing of perfect suburban home, station wagon, 2.5 kids and family dog) : We would like to wish you a happy birthday.
Inside: But quite frankly, we are fed up with your behavior thinking you can mistreat us because of what happened in your household growing up. If you don't cut it out, we will take legal action.
(Coco Schiaparelli Von Furstenburg)

Post-it Notes
"From the desk of: Asshole"

Pink Message Pads
While you were out:
You should have stayed out!

(both courtesy of some truly Irish person -- brilliant tie-in!)


(outside) Sorry to hear you're still in the hospital...
(inside) We were really hoping it was terminal.

New Baby

(outside) We are happy to announce our commitment
(inside) To living in sin with the birth of a bastard.

Outside: A new baby!
Inside: Just what the world needs! Another psychopath in the making.
(that same truly Irish person)


Outside: On your wedding day
Inside: We celebrate the holy union of two souls, half a brain and the same blood-lines. Please don't procreate.
(Just a Knit Wit)


For the special graduate:
Outside: Congratulations on your amazing achievement!
Inside: Especially amazing considering the amount of drugs and alcohol you consumed when you were supposed to be studying.

For that milestone birthday:
Outside: Happy 40th Birthday!
Inside: Today we celebrate that your life is half-over. Wow, haven't accomplished much, have you?

For the newly-minted Ph.D:
Outside: Congrats on your Ph.D.!
Inside: That'll look great on your McDonald's paystubs.
(both courtesy of Just a Knit Wit)

For the mom of your kid's schoolmates:
Outside: Great job on the bake sale!
Inside: While you were out, I slept with your husband.

And today's prize -- a skein of BBF superwash sock yarn -- goes to W. for the aptly-named "For My Adult Brother on the Occasion of His Birthday":

Oh Brother dear, to you I must say,

You are a pain in the rear ‘most every day.

You were nasty and evil when we were young,

But as mom’s little angel, your praises she sung.

This only grew worse and became quite a bore,

As I got saddled with family chores.

Take Mom to the doctor, wash Grandma’s hair,

While you fucked around – so very unfair.

But Brother dear, I hold no big grudge,

Although I’m stuck being the family drudge.

For I am executor of the parents’ estate,

And I’ve got an idea I think is just great.

When the parents expire and I take control,

I’ll diddle the numbers in my executrix role.

And with a smile that is bright and sunny,

I will cheat you out of your half of the money.

Happy birthday!

Thanks, everyone!

*I'm too dull-witted to figure out how to show you the only multimedia entry I got; maybe Joe can help me later.


Unknown said...

All brilliantly evil. Particularly the winner.

Feel better, sweets. Think about getting yourself well for a New Hope extravaganza, eh?

Carol said...

This was a total riot! I think you'd make a fortune selling this line. Here's some virtual {chicken soup} to get through the blahs. Feel better :)

Anonymous said...

I have to say, while I've thoroughly enjoyed all the runners-up and winners you have posted, today's winner is my particular favorite.

Why? Oh, no particular reason . . .

Unknown said...

You have some incredibly witty folks that read this blog...or they all have smoldering emotional baggage issues, for which they should all be in years of therapy.

Hope you're feeling're not the same when the tick-disease has got the better of you.

Anonymous said...

Hey Carol--this has nothing to do with your post, but I had to pass the link onto you.

This is a digital comic that covers fair use/copyright issues. I am not a lawyer, but it seems good and it is kind of funny...

mindy said...

All hilarious! The greeting card industry may never be the same...

Anonymous said...

Is there something wrong with me. 'Cause I really liked that death one. I mean it does suck. And saying it sucks doesn't really detract from having sympathy for the bereaved. But maybe most people don't want plain speaking. (This may be why I often say nothing much at all when someone is bereaved. I really want to say, "death sucks".

Carol said...

I agree, Jove. My FIL got diagnosed w/ prostate cancer recently and all I could think of to say was "That blows." Really, the whole point behind the contest wasn't to say something MEAN it was to say what you really feel.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for holding this contest and sharing these great entries.

Anonymous said...

jove - that's actually why I submitted that one. A friend recently lost her mother after a rather brief and nasty bout with cancer. This friend is rather plain-speaking herself, and I REALLY looked for this actual card, because I thought *she* would appreciate it as well.

I have always hated bereavement cards anyway. They should say "death sucks" because it DOES.

cheers! Hope you never need "my" card. lol

Anonymous said...

P.S. - the winning poem was AWESOME.

Anonymous said...

My favorite sentiment has always been: "Jesus loves you! and everybody else thinks you are an asshole."