Let's turn now to parents, in particular, the dysfunctional kind. I think I did it backward last time, so today we'll put the prizeless Runners-Up first:
Outside: To my Parents
Inside: If it weren't for you, I'd be an orphan.
Outside: To my parents: Thanks for the memories...
Inside: The ones I am desperately trying to repress.
Outside: [picture of fairy tale princess] Dear Stepmother, you taught me that fairy tales really can come true!
Inside: I've got my happy ending, and you're a lonely bitch.
Outside: [picture of mom warmly hugging children] Every child needs a mom who loves and cares for them.
Inside: But since you can't find it in your cold evil heart to do either, you shall die all alone and forgotten in some unregulated nursing home, but even that might be too good for you.
Outside: Happy Mother's Day!
Inside: Hmm, I guess that whole "step on a crack" thing doesn't really work.
Outside: Happy Father's Day to the man who gave me life...
Inside: ... a nifty scar above my eye, low self-esteem and twenty years of therapy bills. Yours were truly the gifts that kept on giving! P.S. Dr. Rosenberg says "Thanks for the Mercedes."
Outside: On Mother's Day. Remember when you said you should have squeezed your legs shut?
Inside: Thanks for spreading 'em, Ma.
Prize winner in the Dysfunctional Parent division goes to Big Alice, for this sentiment (which I heartily endorse):
Outside: For my dear Mother-in-Law: A toast on your birthday!
Inside: Because really we both get along much better when we're drunk.
Email me, Big Alice, and I'll give you your choice of prizes.
One more batch tomorrow, including siblings and new babies...